I was blessed with a little angel
I held her in my arms and pledged to love and protect her
She was the substance of my life
I loved her dearly
Today I’m left with sweet memories, her sweet smell, and her sweet talks........
She left me, left me with tears and abandoned
It’s been 9 years; she is 18 today,
God bless her wherever she is
I thought I heard the doorbell, yes that is what got me out of my disheartenment
My little angel in front of my eyes…, was I having a vision or was I blessed again
I did not know what to do. I wanted to reach out and touch her but my feet were unable to move
My arms wanted to embrace her but they seemed to have lost their strength
Only my eyes seemed to cry
She walked in, walked past me; I know not why it felt as if a stranger void of feeling pass me
She embraced her dad tears streaming down her face
I was still awaiting my turn with open arms but was left waiting...... only my tears were mine
Where was she? why had she gone? what had happened to her that she left us?
Questions screaming inside me but could not be spoken
My little angel so close to me yet she seemed so separated, so far
Later I just sat there besides her watching her sleep, her face so sweet........
She got up screaming, crying out for help, I held her, tried to awake her from her nightmare
She looked at me with those eyes, I should say so I felt that I was the fiend in her dreams
She ran, I had to follow her, could not loose her again, I reached out to her, but she pulled away,
I knew she was weeping, but why is what I wanted to know
I asked her to talk to me; she turned around and looked at me,
The hatred in her eyes pierced my heart like a knife
I sensed then that something traumatic had happened to my angel
I lay awake in the still of the darkness trying hard to recall where had I erred
The early morning ray woke me; my heart still distressed at the thought of what could have happened to my angel
She needed help I was sure of that so I called upon a FRIEND
He had practically brought my little angel up, I knew HE could help for she loved HIM dearly, so I thought, but as soon as HE entered she froze, as if she was frozen in time.
She was frightened of HIM, which was astonishing, and the look on her face said it all "she hated HIM" and she ran as if there was no coming back
I went after her and as soon as I reached out she said "please don’t touch me, please, I beg you don’t hurt me"
OH MY GOD it dawned on me then that my beautiful flower had been crushed and she blamed me for it
I didn’t know what to say I was on my knees begging for forgiveness because it was my fault
I had pledged my child love and protection, which I was unsuccessful in giving
All those nights when she got up screaming, and I thought she was having a nightmare I did not perceive her screams then and I call myself her GUARDIAN
All tho time when she begged me to stay at home with her I left her with HIM and I call myself RESPONSIBLE
All those symptoms ... the wetting of the bed, the uneasiness when HE came, the fear of being left alone with HIM, the fall in school grades, her self-restraint, her aloofness from me, her fear of anyone touching her...OH GOD! Why didn;t I see all that, a question that I don’t have the answer to and I call myself her MOTHER
If only I could turn back the hands of time, but I knew it was too late, those hands which I thought were capable of caring and protecting God’s gift for me had failed, and there was no one to blame but me,
I tell myself all those speeches I gave to protect children against rape and molestation were of no meaning as I had lost my own to the horrendous crime
Who is to blame HIM or me?
Who is rightfully responsible for the child HIM or me? but I was involved in safeguarding others while burdening someone else with my own responsibilities
How could I accuse HIM, for it was me who let HIM into our lives?
It was me, who gave HIM the opportunity to take my child’s innocence,
It was me who could not fathom my child’s cry for help
I have to concede the truth.. I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE
When I gathered my wits my first reaction was to destroy HIM and then it would be my turn, but will that end the torture and anguish my little one has gone through..
Will that alter the fact that I had been irresponsible?
No. I was not going to make another mistake; I had to approach her to pledge her once again the commitment and guardianship she deserved, if only she let me now.
The door to her room was open but the chill air in the room said it all, she was gone once again, and there was no coming back I had lost her forever..
I dropped myself in the chair and a while later was awoken once again with the sound of the doorbell, but this time I knew it would not be her...
I had erred twice. once when she was little... and then when she returned I let HIM walk into her life again
Oh lord give us the ability to understand our little angels and give us the potency to carry out our responsibilities with unconditional commitment and integrity
Oh lord give us the capacity to be watchful and not negligent mothers.

Sonali Bajaj